#28:

Hello everyone,

I know I am not doing enough. I feel quite embarrassed actually that I’ve just been pushing everything else away and running on autopilot mode. I’m embarrassed because I say I am going to do something, and sometimes I’ll maybe even act on it for a little while but it never sticks. Its been a hard couple of months and I have not been able to focus my energy around a single goal.

That’s why I’m fat.

~Nostalgic~

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#20: Falling Off the Wagon

Hello everyone,

It seems that I have fallen off the wagon a bit this last week. Despite having reached my first goal weight, this last week has been really bad for me in the sense that I have generally been unable to fight off cravings for food. It is ironic how eating more makes me feel hungrier than what I would feel if I had less to eat, but this is exactly the problem. I have been eating more of whatever there is, and more often too.

So what do I do now? I need to spend some time and evaluate what the bigger problems are, and then try to resolve them.

I feel that a major part of the problem was that I stopped tracking what I was eating, therefore I need to be more mindful of what I am eating. Possibly related to this, I have been getting hungrier even earlier in the day and even later at night. This has thrown my Intermittent Fasting routine out the window. Therefore I also I think that being more mindful of when I eat will help me break into the routine again. I just need to push through the morning for a few days until the routine sets back in.

I spent the majority of last week feeling drained: this is not as much of an issue today but I feel that it may be related to (a) training myself a bit too hard and (b) caffeine withdrawal. As much as I love my energy drinks, I feel that I need to break away from them. I have been reliant on them for close to 6 years now and I love the taste of them, but I fear that they are detrimental to both my mental and physical well-being. I never needed them or coffee when I was back at high school, and I felt much better then than what I have felt in recent years.

One of the worst problems I have is this: once I know I have eaten too much, my mind goes ‘fuck it, might as well have it all, you’re overboard now’. Instead of having a sense of willpower to stop and acknowledging that I have had enough, I just go nuts and eat all of what I can find. I thought I was getting close to being able to stop on my own free will this last week, but evidently that was not the case – it seems that I am not yet strong enough. I will however have to find a way break this mentality at some point, so that I may regain control should I ever feel myself losing it again.

A few points I should note, so that I may reflect of some positives and not just the bad. I have been eating more ‘healthy’ foods. I have also been more conscious in choosing healthier options over unhealthy choices, generally. I have also been more proactive in preparing foods ahead of time too. Small things like these give me an odd sense of pride in that, for once, I am taking better responsibility over my food choices – whereas previously I would just opt for meal deals in the shop or see what processed crap I can make quickly.

I think I am done for today. Plans to upload my weight and photos on Wednesday are still good, and I will upload them irrespective of whether I have gained or lost weight.

Till next time…

~Nostalgic~

#17: Weekend Reflections

Hello everyone,

It always comes to that certain part of the week where everything just seems to go out the window – the weekend. Now it wasn’t necessarily bad, it was just not as controlled as it should be.

I know that there is this trait I possess where it is difficult to say no when it comes to accepting and buying food with certain people. I do not want to raise suspicion of my ‘regimented’ eating, nor do I want to cause offence by constantly refusing the offer, but it gets to the point where I start to feel worse for myself by accepting such gestures. It boils down to this: I have goals that I want to achieve, and this unrestricted behaviour is going to make it take longer to reach them. And this weakness has only really been apparent at the weekends. I spend my time worrying about how each weekend could completely offset the work I’ve done during the week to lose weight, or wondering how likely I am to have gained weight from the weekend.

Moving onto some more positive stuff: since spending more time and thought on meal preparation, I have seen both an average increase in protein consumption coupled with a reduced calorie intake, during the week at least. On top of that, I am saving some extra cash too. Despite this, I am still usually above my carbohydrate goals on average. Maybe I need to increase my carbs target to a more feasible value?

Anyway, my current plans are still in effect and I shall see the results on Wednesday.

Till next time…

~Nostalgic~

 

#9: Disappointment

Hello everyone,

I have to start this by saying that I am deeply ashamed of the fact that I really let myself go yesterday. Any sense of reason just went out the window and I just kept eating. It was very much one of those ‘once you start, it’s difficult to stop’ affairs. I am really irritated because everything was fine until I went out with friends where they grabbed some food. I had enough leeway to allow myself to have something to eat with them, but then I saw how many calories there was in just one thing and my mind just went ‘screw it, you can have it all’. We then proceeded to buy more crap from the shops, then went home, had dinner, and then just mindlessly munched the rubbish that we bought. I know I was full, but my mind had already occupied the thought of ‘you gotta finish what you start’ and I just felt so sick and sore as I sat there and stuffed myself fat.

I still feel sick from yesterday’s riot, but I’ve done a semi-okay job of getting myself back on track. The scariest thing was that yesterday was the first time in years that I actually thought I would feel better if I were to just purge everything out. I hate the idea of making myself do that, so I didn’t, but I think that if I was alone then I would have. Despite being a little bit proud that I didn’t empty myself out, I sit here and wonder if keeping it all in was any better.

And then to top everything off, I had very terrible sleep last might. I can usually somehow tolerate a blocked nose whilst sleeping, because they are not usually so bad. But last night my airways were just completely sealed and my mouth was so dry. I ended up drinking loads of water but the dryness never really went away, and my nose didn’t settle down for quite a while. I was lucky to have gotten around 5 hours sleep last night, which only exacerbated my poor mood today.

I’ve just finished doing some exercise this evening – something on a more positive note. I must admit however, I am still frustrated about staying the same weight at last week’s weigh-in. I just hope this week will have some positive results, despite eating so much yesterday. The lesson I need to remind myself is to stay patient – nobody ever achieved anything good by not working hard for it, and it sure as hell won’t happen overnight.

Till next time…

~Nostalgic~