Hello everyone,

I know I am not doing enough. I feel quite embarrassed actually that I’ve just been pushing everything else away and running on autopilot mode. I’m embarrassed because I say I am going to do something, and sometimes I’ll maybe even act on it for a little while but it never sticks. Its been a hard couple of months and I have not been able to focus my energy around a single goal.

That’s why I’m fat.



#27: Update

I don’t like to leave this blog neglected and I really don’t mean to not post anything for long periods of time. It just so comes a time when I am sitting on my computer and I feel like I can post something; I’m rarely on my computer these days on account for everything else going on. This is a bad excuse – I know by now that there is always something going on. External stressors influence my day-to-day feelings and decisions to the point where I am no longer able to focus on my own wants.

There are always times when I have to do everything all at the same time and this is when I start to break. I need to be able to take a step back, breathe, and work on putting everything back together. This is where I am at just now.

I have learned of ‘thinspo diaries’. I have kept a diary before but not one in the style of a ‘thinspo diary’ and I would like to give it a try. I see this as a creative project rather than just a collection of my own sad ramblings. There will be colour, pictures, quotes, my own rubbish art etc. to really make this my own. The book that I will be using for this concealable in the sense that I can hide this on my person on a day-to-day basis – therefore I can have my neat little art project reminder to keep myself on track towards what I want.

It might end up being the case that I use this diary to write my daily statistics – if this works better for me in terms sticking to my goals then it will be my primary tool. Any interesting logs could be typed up and posted on this blog to provide a digital copy and also to stop this site from going bare.

Till next time…


#24: Sugar, you’re oh so sweet!

Hello everyone,

So today I had a thought; maybe the reason why I have such a hard time getting myself back on track is because of how much sugar there is in everything. So I had a little dig around to see what information I could find on the matter…

It turns out that the consumption of sugar releases a chemical called dopamine. Dopamine is generally associated with reward-based behaviours, the consequence of such can lead to addiction. The problem is that sugar is virtually everywhere, so unless a lot of attention is paid to what you are eating, then chances are you are consuming a lot of it.

Too much sugar, and therefore over activating the brain’s ‘reward’ system, can lead to loss of control, craving and a tolerance build up which makes your brain want more of the ‘good’ stuff to get that ‘good’ feeling.

The next question I wondered is ‘how do I break away from all the sugar that I have been taking’? A couple of videos suggest just going cold turkey and cut as much of it out as possible, and also interestingly cut out foods containing flour (i.e. bread) as such foods also have the same negative effects. Introduce protein, fiber and healthy fats into your diet but avoid starchy vegetables. There are other factors that are meant to help break the habit like getting proper sleep and managing stress properly. You can allegedly break the sugar habit by detoxing for around 3 to 21 days, although some other sources say 10 days, assuming you effectively cut out sugars.

So to complete my basic understanding of all this, I searched for a list of sugars which are likely to appear in my everyday life. Here are a few:

  • Fructose
  • Glucose – starch is composed of this type of sugar
  • Galactose
  • Maltose
  • Sucrose – i.e. white sugar
  • Lactose  – i.e. the sugar found in dairy stuff like milk
  • Plus many, many more

Basically it seems that anything ending in -ose is a good indicator that it is some kind of sugar, although inspection of a sugar list will have state some other kinds of sugars.

I think I learned something from all this, time to plan and actively reduce sugar!

Till next time…


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HHI-7I9kD5k – “How to Break Sugar Addiction: 7 Steps to Help You Stop Eating Sugar”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BWGl3TIO00A – “Break your sugar addiction in 10 days”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEXBxijQREo – “How sugar affects the brain – Nicole Avena”

#23: re:accountability

Hello anyone,

I have to evaluate the factors which led to me falling off the wagon, resulting in my absence these past few weeks.

The first factor is accountability. I neglected my own responsibilities to this blog which in turn allowed my mind to be distracted by other aspects of my life which have been going crazy. By ignoring my commitment to this blog, I have ignored the accountability rule. Furthermore, by not regularly accessing this blog I have inadvertently neglected the opportunity to surround myself with media that would encourage or motivate my weight loss journey.

Outwith this blog, I have ignored accountability further by not logging my calorific intake for weeks. If the motto ‘what gets measured gets fixed‘ is anything to go by, then how can I expect to achieve my goals if I have not taken any measurements whatsoever for such a period of time? I am responsible for the trash that I allow myself to eat so I should be monitoring it, not ignoring it. Seeing the numbers on MyFitnessPal helps me to be more mindful of what I am eating; too often I find myself not focusing on what I am eating, too often I gorge, and too often I am not actually needing or enjoying what I am binging on.

Another factor to discuss is my frustration regarding the weight-loss plateau that I  encountered. For a few weeks I maintained the same weight, and that is demotivating. The issue however was that I knew I was eating more and exercising less as the weeks went on so the plateau was actually quite unsurprising, yet I was losing my mind each week on the scales. I felt that I was never going to reach my remaining targets, and I know that now I am further away from those goals now which feels worse. I think that at this point, I should have spent much more time thinking hard about if my plan was really working for me, and how to tweak it so that I could start losing again.

The last factor I want to share was that my plans had all went to shit. Reflecting, I feel that the problem starts on the days where I have breakfast and choose not to apply my intermittent fasting schedule to organise when I can eat. With breakfast consumed, I start to get hungrier earlier and thereafter my eating plans are all over the place – I snack more, eat more sugary stuff, and just generally eat more. And it is on these days that I start to not count the calories or log them into MyFitnessPal. The next day then becomes harder as my fasting routine is interrupted, my body gets confused and I just generally want to eat all the time.

I think I have rambled enough for tonight. I am trying to sort and figure out several aspects of my life right now relating to work, family, and of course this blog and my weight-loss.  Planning starts again.

Till next time…


#20: Falling Off the Wagon

Hello everyone,

It seems that I have fallen off the wagon a bit this last week. Despite having reached my first goal weight, this last week has been really bad for me in the sense that I have generally been unable to fight off cravings for food. It is ironic how eating more makes me feel hungrier than what I would feel if I had less to eat, but this is exactly the problem. I have been eating more of whatever there is, and more often too.

So what do I do now? I need to spend some time and evaluate what the bigger problems are, and then try to resolve them.

I feel that a major part of the problem was that I stopped tracking what I was eating, therefore I need to be more mindful of what I am eating. Possibly related to this, I have been getting hungrier even earlier in the day and even later at night. This has thrown my Intermittent Fasting routine out the window. Therefore I also I think that being more mindful of when I eat will help me break into the routine again. I just need to push through the morning for a few days until the routine sets back in.

I spent the majority of last week feeling drained: this is not as much of an issue today but I feel that it may be related to (a) training myself a bit too hard and (b) caffeine withdrawal. As much as I love my energy drinks, I feel that I need to break away from them. I have been reliant on them for close to 6 years now and I love the taste of them, but I fear that they are detrimental to both my mental and physical well-being. I never needed them or coffee when I was back at high school, and I felt much better then than what I have felt in recent years.

One of the worst problems I have is this: once I know I have eaten too much, my mind goes ‘fuck it, might as well have it all, you’re overboard now’. Instead of having a sense of willpower to stop and acknowledging that I have had enough, I just go nuts and eat all of what I can find. I thought I was getting close to being able to stop on my own free will this last week, but evidently that was not the case – it seems that I am not yet strong enough. I will however have to find a way break this mentality at some point, so that I may regain control should I ever feel myself losing it again.

A few points I should note, so that I may reflect of some positives and not just the bad. I have been eating more ‘healthy’ foods. I have also been more conscious in choosing healthier options over unhealthy choices, generally. I have also been more proactive in preparing foods ahead of time too. Small things like these give me an odd sense of pride in that, for once, I am taking better responsibility over my food choices – whereas previously I would just opt for meal deals in the shop or see what processed crap I can make quickly.

I think I am done for today. Plans to upload my weight and photos on Wednesday are still good, and I will upload them irrespective of whether I have gained or lost weight.

Till next time…


#19: Wednesday Weigh-In

Hello everyone,

Today I have reached my first goal of 147 lbs! Again, I have only lost 1 lb since the previous weigh-in, but losing anything is still losing which is actually a win haha! As usual, photos will be uploaded to the respective progress gallery soon.

Despite the good news, I have been feeling really down this past week – my work is stressing me out and I feel that it is going nowhere and/or the work that I do is worth little merit. Reaching my 147 lb goal hasn’t improved my mood unfortunately. However I am continuing to persevere in the hopes that I will become more positively minded soon.

Possibly related to the above, I have spent the majority of the last week feeling that I’ve had to drag myself everywhere. I have been so terribly lethargic and spending a lot more time trying to sleep in an attempt to gain some energy, but to no avail. As a result of this seeming ‘lack of energy’, I have been eating more than what I should/planned. Perhaps this is my body’s way of telling me I need to rest more or reduce the intensity of my exercise until my body recovers a bit? Or maybe it is the carb-cutting that is making me feel this way? I hope that with some more time, these feelings of being down and tiredness will go away.

Anyways, till next time…


#9: Disappointment

Hello everyone,

I have to start this by saying that I am deeply ashamed of the fact that I really let myself go yesterday. Any sense of reason just went out the window and I just kept eating. It was very much one of those ‘once you start, it’s difficult to stop’ affairs. I am really irritated because everything was fine until I went out with friends where they grabbed some food. I had enough leeway to allow myself to have something to eat with them, but then I saw how many calories there was in just one thing and my mind just went ‘screw it, you can have it all’. We then proceeded to buy more crap from the shops, then went home, had dinner, and then just mindlessly munched the rubbish that we bought. I know I was full, but my mind had already occupied the thought of ‘you gotta finish what you start’ and I just felt so sick and sore as I sat there and stuffed myself fat.

I still feel sick from yesterday’s riot, but I’ve done a semi-okay job of getting myself back on track. The scariest thing was that yesterday was the first time in years that I actually thought I would feel better if I were to just purge everything out. I hate the idea of making myself do that, so I didn’t, but I think that if I was alone then I would have. Despite being a little bit proud that I didn’t empty myself out, I sit here and wonder if keeping it all in was any better.

And then to top everything off, I had very terrible sleep last might. I can usually somehow tolerate a blocked nose whilst sleeping, because they are not usually so bad. But last night my airways were just completely sealed and my mouth was so dry. I ended up drinking loads of water but the dryness never really went away, and my nose didn’t settle down for quite a while. I was lucky to have gotten around 5 hours sleep last night, which only exacerbated my poor mood today.

I’ve just finished doing some exercise this evening – something on a more positive note. I must admit however, I am still frustrated about staying the same weight at last week’s weigh-in. I just hope this week will have some positive results, despite eating so much yesterday. The lesson I need to remind myself is to stay patient – nobody ever achieved anything good by not working hard for it, and it sure as hell won’t happen overnight.

Till next time…