#9: Disappointment

Hello everyone,

I have to start this by saying that I am deeply ashamed of the fact that I really let myself go yesterday. Any sense of reason just went out the window and I just kept eating. It was very much one of those ‘once you start, it’s difficult to stop’ affairs. I am really irritated because everything was fine until I went out with friends where they grabbed some food. I had enough leeway to allow myself to have something to eat with them, but then I saw how many calories there was in just one thing and my mind just went ‘screw it, you can have it all’. We then proceeded to buy more crap from the shops, then went home, had dinner, and then just mindlessly munched the rubbish that we bought. I know I was full, but my mind had already occupied the thought of ‘you gotta finish what you start’ and I just felt so sick and sore as I sat there and stuffed myself fat.

I still feel sick from yesterday’s riot, but I’ve done a semi-okay job of getting myself back on track. The scariest thing was that yesterday was the first time in years that I actually thought I would feel better if I were to just purge everything out. I hate the idea of making myself do that, so I didn’t, but I think that if I was alone then I would have. Despite being a little bit proud that I didn’t empty myself out, I sit here and wonder if keeping it all in was any better.

And then to top everything off, I had very terrible sleep last might. I can usually somehow tolerate a blocked nose whilst sleeping, because they are not usually so bad. But last night my airways were just completely sealed and my mouth was so dry. I ended up drinking loads of water but the dryness never really went away, and my nose didn’t settle down for quite a while. I was lucky to have gotten around 5 hours sleep last night, which only exacerbated my poor mood today.

I’ve just finished doing some exercise this evening – something on a more positive note. I must admit however, I am still frustrated about staying the same weight at last week’s weigh-in. I just hope this week will have some positive results, despite eating so much yesterday. The lesson I need to remind myself is to stay patient – nobody ever achieved anything good by not working hard for it, and it sure as hell won’t happen overnight.

Till next time…

~Nostalgic~